The Perfection Trap…

For so many years I practised before I created anything concrete. I’d have an idea that I thought was pretty snazzy and I’d immediately grab my sketchbooks and kill the idea with practise runs at 4 am and colour planning and “research”. I’d spend hours on the internet (Pinterest) and days at the museum sketching details and anything that sort of aligned with my idea but really didn’t move the needle on building a collection for exhibiting or growing a collection of consistent work.

Some may say, ahh but at least you were still creating, but I knew that I was avoiding the work itself. I was finding ways of procrastinating while still functioning as a non procrastinator. It was bullshit.

Had I put that much effort into the actual work I’d be much farther along than I am now, but yes here I need grace because otherwise I’ll just lose my mind. But just because grace is available to us it doesn’t give us a free pass to keep repeating the same patterns over and over again at the detriment of our own self respect and growth. The easiest way to put it is that it’s not about my/our work, but about the joy my work brings to others, to you guys.

I get so GASSED when my friends and family succeed, heck even with artists who don’t even know I exist succeed. I try and take the focus off myself and that usually gets me into the frame of mind of - we came to get sh* done!

It was my wedding reception and the DJ was calling us for our first dance and you know I went into panick mode because I didn’t want to be seen - more than what I’d already given of myself. A first dance is so private and also cheesy just like painting and promoting your own work to be grand because it came from you. So yes I ran to the toilets, grabbed my maid of honour and said noooo I don’t want to do it! She replied very wisely, “do it for everyone who came here to see you get married. Do it for your parents and your children, imagine the joy they will feel to witness their daughter or mother dancing THAT first dance.” She reframed it all for me with those few words.

If we get out of our heads we - hopefully -realise our talents are not ours to hoard and keep away as a secret. Our gifts come from God, like our ability to love and forgive. We shouldn’t hold back on these magical moments and gifts that bring joy and life to so many others. Anyway I got up there and cried my eyes out while dancing, that moment where the world melted away and it was just me and my husband will stay with me forever. It’s connection with truth and spirit. Love.

Back to art: I’ve put away my “practise / procrastinate / lie to myself books” and just gone for it on the final piece. There’s enough room to make mistakes and we can always whack something else on it. If someone can duck tape a banana to a wall and call it art, I think I’m safe. I’m giving myself the freedom to just paint directly onto what will be the final piece, trust my instincts and do what God put me here to do. Chronic practising and pondering is an act of little faith and ain’t not body got time for that - I’m jumping!